Today’s soundtrack comes from the gorgeous boys in The Maccabees: Something Like Happiness.
I didn’t think it was possible for a song to perfectly describe this feeling, but it really does.
“You just know when you know”
Just like humans have evolved to not remember the feeling of physical pain, I now believe that we’ve also evolved to forget the physical feeling of happiness. Because I didn’t expect to be so happy on Friday night, it was like that kind of joy completely took me by surprise. I had forgotten that a feeling like that was even possible for me.
He’s a hand holder.
Normally the guys that I date get all weird and off-put-ish by that sort of thing. But no, he held my hand and it wasn’t sweaty or awkward at all. It felt lovely. I like smiling that much. The contrast is also just so great for me because recently I’ve so rarely felt anything like this. Instead of feeling stuck in one place, this new thing that I’m experiencing actually makes it seem like there’s somewhere to move forward with this.
And do you know what the most delicious thing about it all is? I want to see him again. I miss him right now. I’ve been on what, two dates with this guy? And yet I’m craving it. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about him. Yesterday I started spiralling down just because I hadn’t heard from him in 24 hours. Dangerous, yes. But oh so exciting. It’s a thrill. To expect nothing and then to get everything. I don’t think that there’s a feeling like it.
I love looking back on these writings when I feel shit, because I think I forget that I am this emotional person. Maybe emotion is my skill. My ability to empathise with everything. It could be the way I win at life, but it could also be my absolute downfall.
Back to the boy.
He’s adorable. Such a great smile. I can’t stop myself from opening my eyes when I kiss him because it’s such a rush to see and feel him grinning into the kiss. Something I know I’m doing right back.
And I can sleep next to him. I haven’t been able to comfortably sleep next to a boy since my New York Photographer (And he was like a limpet, attaching himself to me, winding his limbs around my body and legs) I guess this new guy is similar. He wants to sleep right on top of me all the time. Spooning is a necessity. I always thought that I wouldn’t be one to be able to put up with that, but I find it so comforting, I actually woke up refreshed despite the many wake up calls from his body in the night.
I just want to be back there in his bed.